23 April 2012


I've learned different words for "happy" in Mandarin, but the one that gets me right now is 开心 (kāixīn). It's made of the words 开 (kāi), which means "open," and 心 (xīn), which means "heart."

我真开心 (Wǒ zhēn kāixīn)。I am truly happy.

When he moves, it's as if he simply reaches into his pockets and finds whatever it is waiting there, to be extended on an open palm. All these things he says or does, like little treasures — a pebble, a coin, a sweet — are offered to me like it's the easiest, most natural thing to do.

When I move, I reach into my pocket and pull out rings of keys, which open a building, which houses a vault, which houses other vaults and safes, which house little boxes, which contain things I didn't know I still had. And it takes all my courage to get through all these heavy doors and walls I don't remember building, just to give him the tiniest peek at the thing I want him most to see.

The thing is, I knew from the beginning that I had nothing to fear. I knew — I know I can believe him. I know I can believe in him. I know I shouldn't be afraid.

So, I'm not, or I won't be from now on. I'm leaving that house and taking my treasure with me in my pockets. Life has never felt so light.