03 June 2010

Time Out

There's a kind of happy anticipation coloring my life these days. I recognize it as the same kind I felt at around the same time last year. Things were settling. Suddenly, I didn't hate the condo; I wanted to buy new tables and splurge on a new mattress.

Myka kinda rained on my parade then when she told me that she wasn't planning on renewing the lease, so I had to find a new place to live. That happened at around the same time I took on a more demanding job, so it was pretty turbulent, emotionally. (Ask Martin. I cried nearly every night.) Just when things were settling, I took double the hits.

I must not be very good at this life stuff if it takes me a whole year to get over the changes and adjust.

And now that I've adjusted, the little voices that told me to change jobs are piping up again. It's nothing about furniture, considering how tiny my room is, but stuff like: "Maybe you should study abroad. Maybe you should try working for an NGO. Maybe you should follow the marine biologists around again. Doesn't Dumaguete sound fun?"

I don't regret having followed those little voices in the past, but, oy, the process. I'm not really sure I want to do it again. Not right now, anyway. Now that my lease doesn't depend on anyone else sticking around to pay half, I get to proceed with my life on my own terms, and I want to proceed slowly.

In the past year, I learned more than ever how much I need to stay in one place for a while. I'm more of a country mouse than I thought. Even my teenage fantasies of being a superhero, being famous, being cool--they all depended on Kat the Great having a base to return to at the end. The part of reckless, wandering youth? You guys can have it.

Does that mean I'm cutting spontaneity out of my life? Of course not. If something too good to pass up comes along, I'll grab it. If the voices are really persistent, I'll give them a listen. I don't want to be lazy or complacent. I don't want to be too afraid of the unknown to let great opportunities slip away.

But I just want to take time to enjoy where I am right now, really soak it in before I have to let this go, too. I mean, how often in your life do you find any kind of contentment?

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